Sweet Tea and a Cloudy Sky

Apparently you’re out to get me. You and every other non-hetero-normative thing I can think of.

Last night I was out with some group members working on a project for class. At the end of the night I got a phone call from Christoph saying he was ready to pick me up. As soon as I got off the phone, one of my group members said “Oh you have a boyfriend?” I cringed a little, quite a bit actually, and then responded “yeah.” The group responded with various “aww”s and “cuuuuute”s, which basically killed me inside.

Who said I was straight? You guys don’t know me. I specifically haven’t mentioned any of that because it’s not any of your business.

Also, why do we need to use such gender-defining terms? WHY “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? I do NOT like these at all. Why can’t everyone use terms like “partner”? Not everyone conforms to society’s labels for male or female. If we eliminate the constricting terms, we can create an environment so much more conducive to exploring of the self and identity expression. If the words being used to pigeonhole people are gone, the negative feelings won’t have words attached to them, and the thinkers will be forced to re-evaluate the way they are reacting. As it is, it’s easy to say things like “you can’t act that way because you’re a girl and that’s not how girls act. No one will want you to be his girlfriend ever.” Instead of living up to the expectation of being someone’s “girlfriend,” one should try to find a relationship where each participant is a partner – working together.

I almost said something last night. What would I have said? Could I really go off on this rant to people I barely know? I’m not sure I have that kind of courage. I’m also not sure I could have rationally expressed my thoughts – I was much more likely to get angry and defensive, and not present a convincing argument at all.

I’m not sure I know myself very well at all. In the movie Juno, Mac MacGuff says, “I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when,” to which Juno responds, “I don’t know what kind of girl I am.” This statement speaks to me, and I feel much the same sentiment. Often people make statements about me, or are surprised when I say certain things or act certain ways. I am often confused, frustrated, and occasionally hurt by these statements, because I don’t usually think of myself the same way other people are making me seem. This feeling is described and explained very well in this video by Ze Frank, specifically starting around 2:30:

“Lots of things can stand in your way, especially the people who are closest to you. Your family, your closest friends, think they know you and sometimes can have a very rigid definition of your theme: “You were never athletic.” “You always start things and never finish them.” “You’re not a naughty boy.” “You’re artsy.” “Your theme isn’t just made up by you.” Robert Putnam, in a book called ‘Bowling Alone’ says this inner circle is very good at supporting you in times of crisis. When you’re emotionally severed, they can remind you who you are. But if you wanna change who you are, you might need other people. People who know you but don’t know you so well. Putnam says that that’s what knitting circles and bowling leagues and clubs supplied in the middle of last century. People who would surprise you by saying, “Wow, you’re athletic.” “You do have a way with words.” “You seem like a naughty boy.” These are the people who seem like they can lead you to a new, interesting job. These are the people who provide you with new themes and new perspectives, away from the burden of history of your inner circle.”

I realize that I so often ignore as much of the world as I can and just let things happen to me. I choose ignorance over knowledge because I am afraid of things such as failure or rejection. This fear drives me to hide within my own inner circle, to keep to myself and stay around what I know to be ‘safe’. This is what causes me to stay within the same activities, as well as avoid taking risks of any sort. I’m afraid to start anything because I’m afraid of doing it poorly. I stay stuck within my own theme, never venture outside my inner circle, and never explore new things. I’m forcing the same old theme upon myself.

Should I let my imagination go and think up futures? Should I allow myself to create my perfect world and think out how I want my life to be? Is it wise to let myself daydream and possibly be hurt if/when things don’t go my way? Is the risk of disappointment worth the satisfaction of getting my thoughts, desires and silly wishes down on paper?

I am intrigued by the girl that is watching us. She has been watching us all evening.
We've been writing papers and mingling, meeting, learning.
I wonder about her thought processes.
Does she want to talk to us? Is she watching because she wants to be a part of our community?
Maybe she's judging us.
She's giving us values and putting us into groups in her mind. She's organizing her social atmosphere and placing us at the lowest layer, the least important strata.
I find this hard to believe. If she wanted to disassociate herself from us, why would she stay so close for so long?