Sweet Tea and a Cloudy Sky

I guess even when it seems like life is handed to you on a silver platter, you still have to find something to complain about.

I hate putting the date on something if I’ve had to put the date on something the day before, and I see the two items next to each other. I get a sense of just how quickly the days are passing and just how little I am actually doing with my life.

I know I just graduated. I know I’m only nineteen. I know. But a lot can happen in a year. Looking back, I’m a totally different person now, in a number of ways of course. The one that struck me just now is the way I portray myself.

I used to be a mall-rat, I wore bright clothes, I was bubbly and at the same time vaguely emo. Sometimes I was described as a raver, not because I did drugs (I didn’t) but because of the bright colors and outlandish styles I would sport. I wore cute floofy skirts and way too much plastic jewelry. I remember a specific day where I chose to wear a striped polo shirt and jeans my senior year. I had none of my normal bright makeup on, no plastic stars around my neck. About halfway through the day one of my ‘good friends’ (because everyone was a good friend in high school) asked me what was wrong with me and what I was wearing. It wasn’t in a mean way, and it turns out a lot of people were confused by my choice out attire. Now, I’m reminded of a certain video by Ze Frank that I will link to later when I’m at a computer instead of on my blackberry. I had build up a personal brand, and now I was deviating from this. I had created a theme that people expected me to stick to and I was breaking free of it. The people around me kept me stuck in that niche of who I was, as I returned to my previous style the following day.

When I went off to college, I had a new place to start. I was able to create a more sophisticated portrayal of myself, and seem more presentable to the world. My style no longer screamed “stupid bubbly teenage girl” and instead begged for respect, or at least I would like to think so. About halfway through my second semester, I began to miss my old style. I didn’t expect to go back into it, but I wanted to inforporate pieces of it into the brand I’ve created for myself. Now I’m trying to figure out how to do this without being overwhelming.

A friend who knew me in high school and has actually watched the progression commented on it the other day. He said that I’ve gotten more sophisticated and I can’t pull off huge sparkly pink star earrings anymore. I’m kind of sad, partially because I’m afraid he’s right, and partially because I feel like it’s another example of being kept in a theme by outside forces. Besides, a lesbian who’s name I can’t remember and who I met once – at the mall whilst mallratting no less – gave me those earrings. I at least want to be able to wear them so that I can tell that story.

I live with my family now. I’m going to be spending a fair amount of time cleaning up my room and helping out around the house. I made a list of summer goals for myself. I want to get rid of a lot of my belongings, because I just don’t have the space to hold it all. Much of the stuff currenly in my room doesn’t even belong to me, because I’ve been at college and the room was just a convenient holding space for my family to stash things. I thought about getting a third job out here. I applied to a couple placed but haven’t heard back from anyone. As it is, I plan on being back in Fairfax about three days a week. The reasoning for this is that I already have two jobs there that I need to keep up on, as well as the fact that many of my friends live there and I don’t know anyone out here.

I got a package in the mail here. I had ordered some books before I moved out of college, and had them sent to this address. I also recieved a credit card and a ton of junk mail. I’m looking forward to my summer reading list, though I’m not really sure what to expect, or how the books will seem when read one right after the other.

I am intrigued by the girl that is watching us. She has been watching us all evening.
We've been writing papers and mingling, meeting, learning.
I wonder about her thought processes.
Does she want to talk to us? Is she watching because she wants to be a part of our community?
Maybe she's judging us.
She's giving us values and putting us into groups in her mind. She's organizing her social atmosphere and placing us at the lowest layer, the least important strata.
I find this hard to believe. If she wanted to disassociate herself from us, why would she stay so close for so long?