Sweet Tea and a Cloudy Sky

The framework essay outlines the basic ideas to keep in mind while doing observations and reading the rest of the texts. Out of this, I was able to gather a large amount of information, and apply some basic concepts to my observations. First of all, I view most of what I have seen from a constructionist perspective. All the evidence I have points to this viewpoint as the “true” or “right” way to view the world, including class readings, content from previous courses, and real life experience. I chose to conduct my observations primarily in the Pride Office, a location which is technically part of the LGBTQ Resources office. This space is an area where people gather to hang out, socialize, and meet people, as well as a space to casually discuss identities. The space is not simply a social avenue for students, however – people also come here to conduct business with Ric Chollar, the Associate Director of LGBTQ Resources, or to work on homework or projects. I have in my observations seen people in this space “construct” their identities, and this may change daily, weekly, or over a longer time period. Because of the nature of this space as a “comfortable and “safe” location to discuss the “typically taboo” topics of sexuality, it is also a space where people feel comfortable to discuss other things which may not be seen as “okay” to discuss in a general everyday situation, such as other master statuses.
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Hetero-sex-ual, homo-sex-ual, bi-sex-ual. These things are all tied into sex. None of them describe the way I feel. I’m a person. “Sex” is not what I use to define myself.
I am a person, I am romantic, I am attracted to my significant other, my significant other has a penis. These things do not define me.
I have thoughts and dreams and hopes, I have accomplishments and I make mistakes. I like to watch movies and play on the computer. I have hair that I dye different colors depending on my mood.
Don’t all these things say more about me than my so-called “sexuality”?

I just remembered something. See, sometimes I pick up my three-year-old sister from daycare. One day, I picked her up and when we were going to the car she was telling me about one of her little friends. His name was Andrew. She said, “Andrew doesn’t wear panties because he’s a boy. Boys don’t wear panties. Boys wear underwear.” Now, since I’m not her mother and I’m not raising her, I just let it go. Besides, she’s three. They’re just trying to teach her the basics of life.

Can you imagine if it was my kid, though? You know I would immediately walk back into that daycare center and bitch them out. Something along the lines of “why the hell are you teaching my child that boys don’t wear panties? Boys can wear whatever they want. Why are you differentiating between boys and girls anyways?”

The world is probably glad I’m not a parent.

I get really angry when I’m trying to help someone and all they do is give me back reasons why it won’t work. Especially when the issue is completely psychological.

Now, before any of you get on me, I’m aware that what I’m saying may be pretty hypocritical. I want to change these things in myself, too.

If you are depressed because you’re stuck in a crappy town, I’m going to try and help you think about the future when you can get out of it. I’m a futurist. That’s what I do. So when you turn back to me and say things like “well just because you got out doesn’t mean it will work for me.” Shut up with your negativity. When I’m trying to help you it feels really shitty when you just shut down my help.

When you’re feeling low self esteem and I tell you you’re not unattractive, please don’t respond with how you feel unattractive and that’s what matters. Say thanks and internalize the praise I’m sending you — it’s meant to make you feel better. If people tell you that you’re cute and you don’t listen to them, you’re never going to feel cute. You’re always going to feel shitty and ugly. You could be the most beautiful person in the world but if you don’t believe people when they tell you that, you’re shit out of luck.

And please please PLEASE don’t complain to me about feeling fat. Chances are it’s the way your body is supposed to be, it’s perfectly healthy, and you’re just trying to fit into some shitty societal norm that doesn’t even make sense. When you tell me that you’re jealous of my tiny body it just makes me feel shitty. I didn’t choose to be this way, I have a really small bone structure and a fast metabolism. As soon as I turn 20 or 25 my metabolism will slow down and I’ll have the same issues that you do. So please PLEASE learn to accept your body. It was made for you and it’s yours to love.

Apparently you’re out to get me. You and every other non-hetero-normative thing I can think of.

Last night I was out with some group members working on a project for class. At the end of the night I got a phone call from Christoph saying he was ready to pick me up. As soon as I got off the phone, one of my group members said “Oh you have a boyfriend?” I cringed a little, quite a bit actually, and then responded “yeah.” The group responded with various “aww”s and “cuuuuute”s, which basically killed me inside.

Who said I was straight? You guys don’t know me. I specifically haven’t mentioned any of that because it’s not any of your business.

Also, why do we need to use such gender-defining terms? WHY “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? I do NOT like these at all. Why can’t everyone use terms like “partner”? Not everyone conforms to society’s labels for male or female. If we eliminate the constricting terms, we can create an environment so much more conducive to exploring of the self and identity expression. If the words being used to pigeonhole people are gone, the negative feelings won’t have words attached to them, and the thinkers will be forced to re-evaluate the way they are reacting. As it is, it’s easy to say things like “you can’t act that way because you’re a girl and that’s not how girls act. No one will want you to be his girlfriend ever.” Instead of living up to the expectation of being someone’s “girlfriend,” one should try to find a relationship where each participant is a partner – working together.

I almost said something last night. What would I have said? Could I really go off on this rant to people I barely know? I’m not sure I have that kind of courage. I’m also not sure I could have rationally expressed my thoughts – I was much more likely to get angry and defensive, and not present a convincing argument at all.